Gratitude for the Plans I Didn't Make

This year I was asked to be part of a writing team for my church's Women's Ministries blog. I get to contribute, along with some amazing women and writers, three different times this year, and I'm honored to have been asked. Here is my first post:

November is the month we are reminded to be thankful. At the top of this year’s November list is my thankfulness that God’s plans far exceed anything I could dream up for myself. In short, I’m thankful for God’s sovereignty.

When Jon and I first got married, we had plans. I was teaching and Jon was a bicycle mechanic. We weren’t going to have kids for at least five years. We were going to travel the world. Open to missions, we assumed God was going to call us to use our talents serving in another country.

In the middle of my first year as a full time classroom teacher, I received an e-mail from my sister-in-law, Danielle. She and her husband, Dave, were spending their first year in Guayaquil, Ecuador. Danielle was teaching at an international school, and Dave was along for the ride. They were living our dream.

Danielle’s e-mail informed me that her school was in need of a 5th grade teacher for the following year and that I should really think about applying for the job. Jon and I immediately assumed this was our calling. God was going to use my teaching credential to get us into another culture, and Jon was going minister to the local people by fixing their bikes and riding with them.

Jon and I knew we shouldn’t get too excited yet, and that we needed to pray. We prayed together, and separately, for weeks until deciding that the next step was to apply for the job. We asked God to let us know if we were making the right decision, and to open and close doors, as we began down this road, as He saw fit.

About a month went by, and I was contacted by the principal of the school. He had filled the position, but he would keep my resume and information for future school years. Ok, God, you made that one clear. We’re not going. We get to stay in our comfort zone, I will continue teaching, and Jon will continue to wrench on bikes. Here.

Two months later I received another email from the principal. He unexpectedly had an opening available and wondered if I’d be interested in teaching 2^nd grade at his school? Jon and I were confused. Hadn’t God already told us no?

We prayed even more. We went through the necessary steps to proceed down the same road we thought we’d been steered off. After a handful of Skype dates, countless e-mails, and more prayer, I was hired. By the swiftly approaching summer, we were scheduled to move to a foreign country, barely speaking the native language, separated from most of our family and friends, and teach in a brand new school. Preparing for all the changes was an emotional bungee jump.

Next came the logistics: collecting paperwork, notarizing documents, getting blood tests, buying plane tickets, selling most of our belongings, packing, and finding a place to live during the interim phase between an expired rental agreement and our departure date.

Summer came and we were ready. We had turned in our keys and stored the few belongings we had left in my parents’ attic. As a married-for-almost-two-years couple we were living in my old room, under my parents’ roof. Waiting.

Four weeks before our scheduled flight to Ecuador, Jon and I had just returned from a dear friend’s wedding in Mexico City. We had both gotten rather sick at the end of our weeklong trip, blaming it on too many carnitas tacos. But we’d been home for a week and I still didn’t feel good. In fact, I started throwing up. Somehow I knew in my heart what the “problem” was, and tested my theory. I was right, and I was pregnant.

To put it simply, my boss told me not to come. His wife was informed of our situation and she told him to tell us we didn’t want to have our baby in Guayaquil. The decision was never ours to make. So… we were both unemployed, living at my parents’ house with one car and hardly any stuff. And I was pregnant.

Sometimes I wonder if Jon and I weren’t listening to God’s direction five years ago. Were we so set on our desired traveling lifestyle that we missed the “no” God was trying to tell us? Were we praying for what we wanted, instead of what He wanted, and assuming He was leading the way?

But my hopeful idea has more depth than that. Is it possible that sometimes God is simply trying to see just how far we will go for Him? We say we surrender all, and we will follow Him anywhere. But will we? Even if it leads us right back to where we started?

How this experience has strengthened our marriage and faith is immeasurable. A short list of God’s provisions in the confusing weeks following our unexpected news includes: Jon getting his job back; me getting a new, more local teaching job; finding an affordable and reliable car; the perfect apartment opening up the same week we found out we were staying…

And a short list of the opportunities which would have been impossible had we moved to South America: me mentoring a HUB group of teenage girls at ABC through their four years of high school, creating eternal bonds and relationships; Jon opening his own bike shop and becoming a well known influence in San Luis Obispo; me becoming a mother and spiritual teacher to two little girls who I love more than life.

My in-laws are still living our dream. But it’s not my dream anymore.

Jeremiah 29:11 – “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

Passions

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me #8:

What are 5 passions you have?

In a way, some of these prompts overlap each other. Things that make me happy may be passions. My dream job may be a passion. What I spend my time and love on are obviously passions.

So I may describe some of these briefly since I've written about them previously.

#1: My marriage. Being a wife that my husband wants to come home to and spend his time with is something I'm willing to work hard to do. One of my priorities in life is to protect my marriage. There are many reason for this. To make living together bearable -- preferably fun. To do my part to contribute to the circle of love and respect that marriage requires. To know that I am always trying to do what I can to make our relationship strong, which in turn makes it less and less likely that it will break. To be an example to our girls what marriage should look like. I want them in no uncertain terms to know what is an unacceptable way to be treated, and how to treat their partner in an acceptable way. To prove that being married is fun, not a joke on a sitcom that is to be mocked or bitterly complained about at every opportunity. Most importantly, when I decided to marry Jon, I made a promise, and I won't break it. Jon is a passion of mine, so my relationship is a passion.

#2: Raising Kealani and Leila. I pour myself into my girls every single day. I fail miserably sometimes, but I am trying to be an example of love and forgiveness while attempting to teach them to become respectful and productive members of society (not entitled imps) every waking moment. I do my best to show them the grace of God through my own actions. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained at the end of most days, yet I wake up excited to do it again each morning. If that doesn't constitute a passion, I don't know what does.

#3: Children and young people. Aside from my own daughters, I love other people's kids. From teaching preschool/elementary/middle/high school, tutoring, counseling high school girls through my church -- I get attached to kids. I want to see them become better people, learn from their mistakes, gain knowledge, and in some cases even become their friends. I can't help it, I just love them.

#4: My relationship with God. I don't pursue Him like I should all the time, but I've experienced enough highs, lows, and big decisions in my life to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He exists. That while He allows me to make my own decisions, He cares what those decisions are, and He's with me every step of the way. I couldn't be a mother without trusting Him with my daughters' lives. There's not enough room in one blog to list all the ways I've seen Him work in my own, and others' lives, so I won't try. But extending His love to others and hoping that they also see Him at work in their lives is a passion.

#5: Writing. I was always the student who loved the literature/history side of academics as opposed to math/science. I devour books and enjoy writing. I started this blog about two years ago because I felt that there was an untapped passion in my life that wasn't getting utilized. I felt unfulfilled, and it took me a while to figure out why. I don't need people to read what I write. I enjoy hearing what people think, especially if they are entertained, and I truly hope my girls take interest in what I have to say when they are older. But if no one ever read my writing, if my girls never care, I would still enjoy it. It's a creative outlet for me, and it makes me happy.

My Dream Job

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me #7:

What is your dream job, and why?

Lucky for me, my dream job is exactly what I'm doing right now... but I never would have known it was my dream job until I got to do it. Motherhood is exhausting, thankless, terrifying, around-the-clock insanity, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is also the most rewarding, loving, and eternal job anyone could ever have.

That being said, my dream career (as in I-get-paid-for-what-I-went-to-school-for-and-am-actually-qualified-to-do-it) is being a school teacher. Again, lucky for me, I got a chance to do this in my lifetime. I went to college and earned a Bachelor of Arts in Liberal Studies from Westmont College in Santa Barbara. I then moved home and attended Chapman University to attain my teaching credential in elementary education.

I spent a total of almost three years substitute teaching -- in between classes, observations, and my own student teaching. Then I won a third grade position in King City. The following year I taught fifth grade at Atascadero's Fine Arts Academy until the end of January 2009 as I anxiously awaited the arrival of my first beauty, Kealani.

That's all the teaching I wound up doing. To be perfectly honest, it's all I believe I will ever do, at least as an official classroom teacher. I loved my job. Now that I have done both, I am convinced that being a teacher (of any kind) is the closest position anyone could have to being a parent. (I assume being an aunt could shimmy its way in between the two, but that is something I've yet to experience!) The time, love, encouragement, instruction, counsel, entertainment, frustration, and desire to see your student achieve his/her best comes only second to that student's actual parents' own. (And unfortunately, sometimes it's first.)

Teaching is not a job you can "leave at the office". My concerns, as well as pride over my students' accomplishments, followed me home each night. My grading and planning followed me home. My desire to give my students the best I could reached into my own pocketbook. When you are influencing other people's lives, especially young people's, it burns its way into your consciousness and never leaves. I still think about my first set of students and it's already been five years since I taught their class. I wonder what they're doing now that they are in eighth grade. I hope that they have stayed away from their city's gangs, and have managed not to become too friendly with the opposite sex.

I loved teaching because I was good at it. I'm not bragging, I just firmly believe that there are specific things we are created to do. While there are countless jobs I would be horrible at, I was created to teach, and I felt comfortable and successful in it. I commanded a room full of 20-33 students at a time, kept their attention, got them to do what I asked, instilled knowledge in their tiny brains, and loved every minute of it. There are aspects of teaching that take away from the students. I hated these, as every teacher does. These aspects are only growing worse, which is why I don't for a second wish I was back in the classroom as opposed to being at home with my precious 4 and 1 year olds.

Sometimes I wonder why I went through all the school and training I did only to end up being a classroom teacher for 1 1/2 years. I don't regret it, I just wonder what it was for. I hope and pray that it was for the influence I had in those classrooms of students' lives during the time I was their teacher. I hope and pray my experience dealing with kids of all ages helps me to be a better mom, and gives me compassion for my girls' teachers when they begin school.

I'm a mom. I'm still a teacher. I get to do both of my dream jobs every single day, and I am immensely thankful for that.

Three Wishes

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me #6:

If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?

#1: Good health for all my family and friends. It's one of those things I didn't used to think about. But as I get older, I know more and more people, even my own age or younger, who have had cancer, struggled with diabetes, or whose precious little babies and children have been born with unimaginable & difficult conditions. I am beyond thankful for my family's current good health, and that my friends who have dealt with, or are dealing with, painful or scary diagnoses are getting the treatment they need. But one of my wishes would be the guarantee that those I love most would be healthy until the day they are done here.

#2: To be able to travel as often as I want, to any place I want, without cost being an issue. We travel a whole lot more than some, but when Jon and I discuss our wish list for future trips, I find myself wondering how we will fit it all into these short, fragile lives we live. A quote I found a while ago that describes my wanderlust perfectly: "I am in love with cities I've never been to and people I've never met." Another one, describing my thoughts on prioritizing travel into our budget: "Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer."

#3: This one's silly, but it is on every woman's wish list. To eat whatever the hell I want while still fitting into my clothes.

Happy Makers

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me #5:

What are the five things that make you most happy right now?

Baking treats. The planning, the shopping, the execution of a delicious recipe, the anticipation as I wait to taste the finished product, Kealani helping me mix, eating half the batter/dough before the product is finished, the smell. All of these components make me happy. And the best part is being excited about later, when Jon comes home -- after dinner is served, cleared, and the girls are in bed, we get to enjoy a tasty treat together, relaxing in each others' company.

Reading. A fresh book, a digital edition on my Kindle, a magazine, it doesn't really matter. Letting my brain take time off from the reality of being a full time mom seven days a week is a vacation. It improves my memory, vocabulary, and writing skills. I grow attached to characters and stories so much so that when a book, or even worse a series, comes to an end, I have what I've heard referred to as a "book hangover"... it's the state of depression entered knowing it's all over and you're done hanging out with some of your newest, closest friends. Luckily I can go back to a favorite book any time I want and start all over again. Which is what I do.

Listening to my daughters laugh. There's not much to explain here. In general, a human being's laughter is a pleasant sound, 99% of the time. That sound is infinitely more enjoyable when it's coming from your children. Multiply that a few more times by infinity when they are laughing with each other.

Running. Specifically, racing long distances. If you'd have told me ten years ago that running would end up being my workout of choice and something that I actually enjoyed doing, let alone something I would get pretty proficient at, I'd have snorted my Wild Cherry Pepsi out of my nose all over your shirt. Running has become my reboot time. It has helped me lose baby weight, stay healthy, and gain energy needed to keep up with my young girls. I'm competitive by nature, and since running is a solo sport, it allows me to challenge and compete with myself in a way that I couldn't experience playing team sports. It's hard, and many days I just don't want to do it. But I have never regretted going for a run. I've only regretted not going.

Date night. Any time spent with Jon makes me happy. Family time is priceless, but there's something unique about the time I spend with him alone. Our conversation is different, because we're not filtering ourselves, or being interrupted. I am transported back to our dating days and instantly remember why I love being around him so much. Also why I want to continue being around him.

Sixteen-year-old Self

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me #4:

List 10 things you would tell your 16-year-old self, if you could.

#1: Some of your truest, closest friends are your best friends right at this moment. Some of your closest friends right now will simply be acquaintances in adulthood. And a select few, you will never talk to again after graduation. It's ok. Priorities, commonalities, and people change. Distance and inconvenience will show you who those true friends are, because they'll still be there after college, marriage, and kids.

#2: No one is staring at that "huge" zit on your chin. You know why? First of all it's not as noticeable as you think (sidenote: applying half a bottle of concealer to it makes it  more noticeable), and secondly, everyone else is too concerned about the zits on their own chins to give yours any thought.

#3: Mom and Dad don't really like you driving over the grade. Don't worry, in about 13 years you'll live in San Luis, and you'll get to drive it all the time.

#4: Being a girl, you find things about your physical appearance to demean and compare to others constantly. Try not to do this. You are in great shape. Your body is going to keep changing, so what you complain about now will go away, only to be replaced by something else. Focus on what you like about your physical self, but focus even more on what you love about your character.

#5: You think Leonardo DiCaprio is hot now? With his bowl cut? Just wait fifteen years.

#6: You get sad sometimes about not having a boyfriend when all your friends do, or not having a date to a dance or on Valentine's Day. It's truly not a big deal. Most people don't end up with the person they dated in high school (which a good thing). You'll fondly remember the crushes you had each year, but you'll be thankful that you didn't actually date them, and in turn give any of your valuable self away to those clueless, adolescent boys. (You're still friendly with many of them, most are great guys, but you're better off without them.) Those dances you went to with your best guy friends? So much more fun than going with a boyfriend -- no drama or hurt feelings.

#7: On that note, the one boyfriend you do have in high school will end up married to your best friend. And you're all still great friends!

#8: Be nice to other girls. You don't like drama and never will, but you're a teenage girl and there are things we girls just do. Don't talk about other females or put them down. Instead of competing all the time, try to be as friendly as you can. Give compliments on their appearances, talents, intelligence, sense of humor, athleticism or even schoolwork. It won't be expected. But it's a pretty amazing feeling to make someone else's day. Especially a fellow girl. You both win.

#9: Enjoy the competition and camaraderie you have with your teammates. Never again will you play in a league the way you do now, never will you play on teams consisting of athletes who all take your sports seriously and have as much talent (and that magic ingredient: youth) as they do. You will have fun dabbling in beer league softball, and when you're lucky you'll have enough people around to play beach volleyball. But it won't be the same. Don't take the games for granted, or more importantly, the relationships you're building with your teammates.

#10: Don't be terrified to make a fool of yourself. There's nothing more attractive than a confident woman. Don't be cocky, but if you trip, laugh. If your underwear is showing, laugh. If you say something idiotic, or even fart, in front of your crush, laugh. These "humiliating" experiences will not break you as a human being. If anything, they will add to your classiness and compassion when someone else experiences something embarrassing in front of you. When it does, help that other person laugh it off, too.

#11: (Because I couldn't just follow the rules and leave it at 10.) Listen to your mom and dad. You're in a weird transition phase. You're more of a responsible adult than a child, but you're still at home and your parents will always think of you as their kid. When they won't let you do certain things, make you check in often, and ask questions when you get home, it's because they care and because they love you.  It's that simple. Humor them and be considerate. You will understand instantly when your daughters come along in ten years.

My Relationship With Jon

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me #3:

Describe your relationship with your spouse.

I've written stories about how Jon and I met and when we got engaged. I like this prompt because instead of writing a description of an event, I can detail the connection I have with my husband.

Jon and I met when I was in love with someone else, and firmly believed that I was going to marry that someone else. Because of this, Jon's and my budding friendship was allowed to develop and flourish without any pressure couples may feel when they are knowingly dating. There came a time when we did everything together, from walking Jon's dog-sitting charge on Morro Strand to sitting in the Coldstone parking lot, to driving down Vine Street the week after Vine Street to look at the Christmas lights without the crowd. We did these things together because we loved being in each others' presence. We have similar personalities, the same sense of humor, and enjoy the same things. Being together was easy.

So when feelings actually started to thrive, beyond friendship, for both of us, we were already tried and true best friends.

I can tell Jon anything. Anything. He may laugh at me or think I'm ridiculous, but because of the respect and love he's shown me for the past 11 years, I'm not insecure, nor do I feel embarrassed when he gives me a hard time. I see myself better because of him and his view of me.

We respect and support each other. Getting married, having two kids, moving several times, and starting a business are all things that have to be done while respecting the other person. While it's easy to treat those closest to you the worst (knowing they're "stuck" with you), Jon and I have done our best to treat each other with the simple courtesy and politeness we would show strangers. We say "please" and "thank you". We do things for each other without being asked. We keep our home neat and respect each others' space and things, as one should do with any roommate.

Jon has backed me up through career decisions, whether it be taking a teaching job in a district with a two hour total commute time, or leaving the teaching profession altogether in order to be a homemaker and mom. I have backed him up in the same types of decisions: leaving certain jobs in the bicycle industry because he wasn't fulfilled, and ultimately starting his own shop so he can do things his own way. We believe in each other and want to see each other succeed. When one of us succeeds, our whole family does.

Jon is genuinely the person I want to spend my time with. We have regular date nights and even weekends (thanks to our own selfless and generous parents) and I look forward to them every single time. I get ready as though it's our first date (as long as the girls let me... sometimes it's an all day process, straightening my hair here, applying makeup there, getting dressed in my planned-out attire at the last minute), because I still want to "impress" him. He doesn't make me feel like I should, and tells me I'm beautiful whether it's on date night or after a sweaty 10 mile run, but I want to.

We both love to travel. Some people miss out on traveling and seeing the world because they get married too young, then life takes over, or they marry someone who isn't as interested as they are. Jon and I traveled a little, separately, before we got married, but since we both have the Travel Bug, we have enjoyed more trips together than apart (as well as with each of our girls... if anyone tells you you can't travel once you have kids, it's an excuse). Seeing new places for the first time together, or taking each other to see places we enjoyed before we met each other has formed another layer of kinship to our relationship.

It's become cliché to talk about "marrying your best friend". While I believe people who say they married their best friend believe they did, I think it's a phrase that's thrown around too casually. If you've only been dating for 3 months, he's not your best friend. If you still tell your girlfriends more than you tell him, he's not your best friend. If he makes you feel in any way insecure, or doesn't back you up in all situations, he's not your best friend.

Jon is undeniably my best friend, and he was long before we got married, not afterward. This is my twelfth year hanging out with him, and I look forward to the next twelve, and beyond.